| Author | Message | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1611 Registered: 11-2004 |
~revision~ A skim of almost-ice forms now, atop the shallow puddles shaped like your shoes, the urgency of your stride evident in the wide span between footfalls. You hurried away like a scarlet sun swallowed by the hungry horizon, your leave-taking so spectacular, it was easy to mistake it for something else. I imagined your brilliant farewell might last long enough to sate me, might outlast my hunger. It’s not like that, is it? Gone is gone and what it carried away- possibility, the way a hand might fit on a cheek, the thorny sack of memories that you swear you will not let loose- all of it gone in the length of a footstep across a shadowed threshold. It had been there all along calling you into the cold that spread like your own smudged shadow when the day, predictably, grew short ~original~ A thin skim of almost-ice forms now, atop the shallow puddles shaped like your shoes, the urgent nature of your stride evident in the nearly impossible span between footfalls. You hurried away like a scarlet sun swallowed by the hungry horizon, your leave-taking so spectacular, it was easy to mistake it for something else. I imagined your brilliant farewell might last long enough to sate me, might outlast me and my hunger. It’s not like that, is it? Gone is gone and what it carried away- possibility, the way a hand might fit on a cheek, the thorny sack of memories that you swear you will not let loose- all of it gone in the length of a footstep across the threshold of certainty. It had been there all along calling you into the cold that spread like your own smudged shadow when the day, predictably, grew short. (Message edited by sparklingseas on November 29, 2005) | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 310 Registered: 10-2005 |
Oh this is just perfect. What more is there to say? So much said in a moment. Beautiful poem, Dale. Bravo. "No envy, no fear, no meanness." | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2201 Registered: 08-2003 |
Hi Dale, S2 untouchably fine except for the cliche of "threshold of certainty. Love "thorny sack of memories", "cold that spread like your own smudged shadow" leading into the great end line. S1 seems a bit prosaic to me. I might sculpt a bit to match the tone of S2. A thin skim of almost-ice forms now, atop the shallow puddles shaped like [your] shoes, the urgen(cy) [nature] of your stride evident in the [nearly] impossible span between footfalls. You hurried away like a scarlet sun swallowed by the hungry horizon, [your leave-taking so spectacular, it was easy to mistake it for something else.] I imagined your brilliant farewell might last long enough to sate me, might outlast [me and] my hunger. Hope something helpful for you  E | ||
| Star
New member Username: star Post Number: 10 Registered: 11-2005 |
a great piece. i love the picture of everything changing in a footstep, one step into another reality. "shallow puddles shaped like your shoes," i might change to "shoe-shaped puddles" Star | ||
| Cary
Intermediate Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 451 Registered: 07-2005 |
Dale... This is unmistakeably remarkable writing. From the initial shoe-shaped puddles to the predictable wane of light, I was rapt by the genuine array of emotions. While I cannot tell if the departed is a son, a lover or a spouse, what's important is that anyone who has lost either of those can agree that you've put adequate words to that which is nearly unwordable. My lone quibble is the threshold of certainty that pollutes the otherwise pristine originality. Hope you had a pleasant holiday! Cary... | ||
| Charles Levenstein
Valued Member Username: chucklev Post Number: 116 Registered: 12-2001 |
Dale, the poem has great strength -- great directness.trong feeling. I would economize -- drop the extra adjectives -- a skim is thin without saying thin, for instance. "Brilliant" farewell doesn't tell me anything in particular. -- But the "thorny sack" is wonderful. Chuck | ||
| Dan Cox
Valued Member Username: dcox56 Post Number: 110 Registered: 08-2005 |
Hi Dale, another thoughtful and moving piece. only place I stumbled was on the sunset simile in S1, always thought of sunsets as a slow process (but that may be because I am overcaffeinated.) lovely poem overall. Thanks. | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1626 Registered: 11-2004 |
Thanks Lazarus! I'm glad you liked this. I appreciate your comments. E~ Thank you so much for the wonderful suggestions.Yes,the threshold needs some work and your other edits will be carefully considered. Thank you Star. That is exactly what I was trying to say... life changes in an instant. Cary~ I purposely tried not to be specific in the nature of the loss. I'm glad this worked for you. I will fix the pesky line you mentioned. I really appreciate your thoughtful comments. Oh,and I had a nice holiday. Hope you did also. Chuck~ Yes, good suggestions. I will consider them in my editing. Thank you. Dan ~What I was hoping to convey was that a sunset seems to take a long time, but that moment when the sun slips below the horizon often seems rather abrupt... a gulp almost. An expected loss is like that. We know it is inevitable,but are still stunned when the moment comes. Thank you so much for your comments. take care all~dale | ||
| Dan Cox
Valued Member Username: dcox56 Post Number: 112 Registered: 08-2005 |
Dale, didn't think about the inevitability angle, and you do describe it as a (latter-stage) "scarlet sun," so I think you are right, the image does work here. I need to lay off the espresso and read more sensitively. take care | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1629 Registered: 11-2004 |
Dan~ Oh,please drink up...I'd hate to come between a man and his java!  Thanks for stopping back by. I appreciate your comments. take care~dale | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Senior Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2738 Registered: 12-2003 |
Dale, I too liked the feel of everything changing in a footstep, I can not only see it but hear the crunch and thud of it. K | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1638 Registered: 11-2004 |
Thank you Kathy. I appreciate your comments. take care~dale | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3542 Registered: 07-2002 |
Dale, I can't believe I missed this one when it was posted earlier. Bravo. These lines moved me: Gone is gone and what it carried away- possibility, the way a hand might fit on a cheek, the thorny sack of memories that you swear you will not let loose- all of it gone in the length of a footstep across a shadowed threshold. The revision very well done, indeed. best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ |
